i am a mother pheasant plucker
i pluck mother pheasants
i am the most pleasant mother pheasant plucker
that ever plucked a mother pheasant
i slit the sheet the sheet i slit and on the slitted sheet i sit
HIPPY
How can you tell if a hippy has been in your house? A: He's still there
What does a hippy say when you ask him to leave your house? A: NahImaStay (Namaste)
What does a hippy say when you ask him to get off your couch and get a job? A: NahImaStay Jobless (Namaste Jah Bless)
What Brand of Cigs does a Hippy smoke? … Yours
HowCome the LifeGuard could not save the Hippy? … Cause he was Too "FAR OUT"
What do you call a Hippy's Wife? … MISSISsipPI
How many Hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? … Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs! They screw in tents!
What has 4 iiii's and goes under bridge? … Mississippi. Ohio. What did Tennesse? … Same thing Arkansas!
How do you hide the cash in your house from a Hippy? … under the soap
What's Dumber than a box of rocks? … the Hippy who bought them.
How do you tell when a Hippy is on her Period? … She's missing a sock.
What do you call a drummer w no GF? Homeless
What did one Tampon say to the other? … Nothing! they're both Stuck up cunts!
What do SF and Granola have in Common? … Once you get past the Fruits and Nuts all that's left are the Flakes.
Why Are Gays first out burning bldg? Cause their shits already packed
PIRATE
What's a Pirate's fav letter? P Cause it looks like an R but it's missing a LEG!
Pirate Walks into a bar and he’s got a Helm sticking out of his Pants. Bartender says OY! You’ve got a helm sticking out of your Pants. Pirate says; AYE! it’s drivin’ me NUTS!
What do Pirates pay for EarPiercings ? About a Buccaneer.
Why are pirates bad at the Alphabet? Cause they always get Lost at "C"
Wherever you find 4 IrishMen your'e sure to find a 5th
BRA
What did that Bra say to the HAT? … You go on a head, I'll give these two a LIFT
What's the difference between a Big Breasted Lobster and a Filthy Bus Stop? … one is a Busty Crustacean and the other is a Crusty Bus Station
What's the difference between a group of female and acrobats and a group of prostitutes? … one is a Cunning Array of STUNTS and one is ...
What's the diff btw clever/crafty midgets and Female track stars? … one is a group of Cunning Runts
What are 2 things that fly in the air that can get a woman pregnant? … HER LEGS!
BAR
A blind man walks into a bar, then a table, then a chair…
Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.You can’t tell me that was just a coincidence, man.
Give a man a duck and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to duck and he’ll never walk into a bar.
A snake walks into a bar. …The bartender says, “How the fuck did you do that?”
A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please.”
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says “A beer please! And one for the road!”
Chicken Walks into a Bar. … Bartender says we don’t serve your type here.
Chicken Walks into a Bar 2. Bouncer says we don’t serve Poultry here.
Chicken Walks into a Bar 3. Doorman says we don’t serve Fowl!
Chicken says;? WHAT’s a Chicken gotta do to get a drink around here?
Doorman says:
Go Across the Road.
Duck walks into bar Bread? Nails? OOPS need context
A bag of fertilizer walks into a bar. Bartender says, "You can come in, but don't give me any shit.”
A diaper walks into a bar and says "I'm looking for the guy that got me all wet!" Bartender says, "Just don't do anything rash."
DWARF
A dwarf walks under a bar.
A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem
He tells the bartender,”Give me 2 shots of…”
The bartender cuts him off saying,”You only get 1 shot.”
A rabbi walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Where did you get that?” The parrot says, “Brooklyn, they’re everywhere!”
SF
Q: What does San Francisco have in common with GRANOLA? A: Once you get past the fruits and the nuts, all you have left are the flakes.
MJ
What did the mom say to Michael Jackson on the beach? … Get OUT of My Son.
What do Michael Jackson and Target have in common? … Boys Pants HALF OFF
Michael Jackson was looking at a CD of BOYZ 2 Men and someone had to tell him … It's NOT a delivery SERVICE!
how do you get holy water? you boil the hell out of it
PRIEST
How do you get a 12 year old pregnant? ... Dress her as an altar boy.
Ask a Priest: what's the best thing about 28 year olds? Priest answers: "There's 20 of them!"
How do you know it's BEDTIME at the convent / (priesthood for boys) … when the Big Hand is on the little hand
Priest walks into Forest at night with 12yr old. 12yrold says; "I'm scared!" Priest says; "You think you're scared? I gotta walk outta here alone!"
Say anything you like about pedophiles, at least they obey the SpeedLimit in the School ZONE
What does it taste like when you go down on a geriatric? ... depends
What's the last thing they give ELMO before they put him in a box in the factory? … TWO TEST TICKLES.
Why Does WALDO always wear STRIPES? … Cause he does not want to be SPOTTED.
Gay Barbecue. Hot dogs taste like shit
3 rules of Plumbing. Payday is Friday. Shit goes down hill. Never eat the last bite of your sandwich.
How do Contractors Party? They Raise the Roof
How Many Mexicans does it take to change a LightBulb. JUST JUAN. 2 mexicans play basketball = Jaun on Jaun. What do you call a Mexican Fireman = JoseA.
How long does it take a group of Mexicans to dig a ditch? oops nevermind, They're DONE!
Blind Cowboy tells Blonde Joke.
You can tell a lot about a woman by her ankles ... if they're behind her ears, she likes you
What are 2 things that fly in the air that can get a woman pregnant? … her legs
Q: what does Berkeley have in common with Granola? A: once you get past the fruits and nuts, all that's left are the flakes
LIGHTBULB
Sopranos "One, She holds up the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around her"
Northern Europeans "One. Because we are both practical and lack humor"
Union Electricians "Five! You got a problem with that?"
Radical Feminists "That. Is. Not. Funny."
"I'd put this lightbulb in myself, but women want to do everything these days, so" - something a dude legitimately said to me the other day
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Californians: None, Californians screw in hot tubs.
Orchestral Conductors: nobody knows, because nobody pays attention to them anyway.
Guitarists: ten, one can do it but 9 will show you a better way it could be done
Surrealists: fish.
Northern Californian's - Hella.
How many Northern Californians does it take to change a lightbulb? ... HELLA!
How many Hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb? ... Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs! They screw in tents!
Redheads: none, we prefer it dark.
Pokémon Go players: none, they aren't inside long enough to notice.
PG
What's Brown and Sticky? … A STICK!
What's Brown and Rhymes with SNOOP? … DR. DRE!
Why does SNOOP DOGG carry and an UMBRELLA? … FO DRIZZLE!
G
Q: Why is a pepper Nosey? A: Cause it's Jalapeno Business! ;)
What did one wall say to the other? … I'll meet you at the corner!
What to you call a wristwatch on a PantBelt? … A Waste of TIME
PANDA BEAR
Goldilocks and the three bears are eating porridge in their house when a panda bear runs in, eats all the porridge, takes out a gun and kills two of the bears and then runs out the door again.
Baby bear turns to Goldilocks and says, “WTF was that?” Goldilocks picks up an encyclopedia, and reads from it, “Panda Bear, native to south central China and easily recognized by the large black patches around its eyes. It eats shoots and leaves.
Whats the difference Btwn Jesus and pic of Jesus? Only takes one nail hang pic
jokes from hippy mike
Q; Heard about the new Hippie doll?
A; Wind it up... and it DOESN'T WORK!
Q: How do you hide money from hippies?
A: Under the SOAP!
A: Put it under their work shoes!
Q: What four words will drive hippies out of your house?
A: "The phone bill's here!”
What's PINK and FLUFFY? … PINK FLUFF!
LONG FORMAT BAR
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’.
I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy… Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
‘No… not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’ |